School Assignment/Experiment

So for my psychology class I need to do a paper on a social experiment so this is my experiment and I need some help with this from all who want to help me

My situation that I need help on is

I’m considering suicide, change my mind and help me want to live

Thanks for all the help with this.

Part 2: My Journey Through Physical and Sexual Abuse

Trigger Warning

…………….This story contains graphic details of Rape, Incest, Physical Abuse and Sexual Abuse………….

The abuse started 32 years ago when I was around 6 years old.  I grew up in the Hopkins / Minnetonka area in Minnesota with my Mom, Dad and 3 sisters, 2 older and one younger so I was basically considered the middle child in my family. Being the middle child was hard, the two older ones were always gone, and my younger sister got all the attention when the older two were not at home.

That left me……………..

I didn’t understand why the two oldest shared a room with the youngest and I was in my own room, I understand why you did that now though, it all makes sense.

You wanted me alone so no one would see or hear what you were about to start doing to me.

The first night that you came to me daddy I didn’t understand why, why you wanted to be alone with me, why was mommy not here too, why you locked the door before taking your clothes off and getting into bed with me. You got under the covers with me, started to touch my chest area and then moved your hands down to my legs and started moving them up my inner thighs and then you started touching my vaginal area under my underpants. You then took my pants, shirt and underwear off of me and told me not to make a sound because this is how daddy’s  love their children. He proceeded to keep touching me on my vaginal area and then pushed his fingers into me hard, very hard, I tried to scream but he had my mouth taped shut to keep me quiet. He kept telling me what I good girl I was and that if I wanted to make daddy happy then I was to do what he told me and I would be fine. He proceeded to grab my hand and put it on his penis, he made me touch it, rub it and that flipped his switch and he got on top of me and put his penis inside me and pushed really really hard. I tried to scream but there was still tape over my mouth, it hurt, I wanted to scream but no sound came out. All I could do was to lay there and be your good little girl. I really did not understand till many years later that what you were doing was not only just wrong but was a criminal act against a child. And this was just the first of many nightmares I came to know.

Innocence Lost (poem)

Innocence turned black

Like the dark midnight sky

Used to be pure and soft

Like a bedtime lullaby

Fear lingers all night

In those pretty blue eyes

Look further

Look at the pain she hides

It hurts so much

She wants to cry

But she holds it in

She is forced to lie

Forgive and forget

Is what she was taught

But how can she forget the touch

Or the pain that it brought

You Ensured I Never Had A Chance

I was vulnerable, but you let him target me.

I was defenseless, he violated me, but you looked the other way.

I was alone in my pain because you abandoned me.

I suffered deeply but you made me pretend nothing was wrong.

I needed support but you were too cowardly to stand up for me.

I was not the only one, because you let him continue to ruin lives.

You were finally forced to act, but all you did was hide him from justice.

You made a list of his many victims, but prevented our recovery.

I was too scared, but others begged you to do the right thing, and you punished them.

I needed to know but you kept me in the dark.

I finally spoke up and you obstructed the police.

I saw him brought in, then saw him get off Scott Free.

I had witnesses, but you stole my right to a fair trial.

I was robbed of Justice so you could pretend his crimes never happened.

That you are deserving of respect.

You are not.

You committed hundreds of child sex crimes against me.

And you let him.

Then protected him from all the responsibility for his actions and now keep his whereabouts secret.

But what about the little girl that he destroyed?

What about my attempted suicide, my shattered life?

My potential smashed before I even had a chance to grow up?

What about my suffering?

I am damaged, almost beyond repair, and now I’m stuck with a life sentence.

But you, believe you are above the law, that you don’t have to pay.

That I should pay for your crimes.

That I could survive what you did, if I got help.

If the attacks has stopped, instead of being allowed to continue for years.

If you hadn’t lied to me, and treated me as the guilty one.

But what I experienced was a threat to you, your reputation, and your power in the community.

My suffering made me your enemy, to be sacrificed and destroyed.

I never wanted any of this, never asked for it, and certainly never deserved it.

I was just a little girl, eager for my chance at life.

You prayed upon me.

You ensured I never had the chance.

But while nightmares regularly rob me of my sleep, perhaps you share this one thing with me that you have so grievously harmed.

For knowing what you know, and what you did and are still doing, how can you sleep at night?

How can you just deliberately harm someone?

You can’t possibly believe what you preach, because no truly loving God would let you enter with the many times as you have put me through hell.

I am not afraid, nor do I fear your hell.

Nothing could be worse then what you have already forced me to endure.

I know you will continue to attack me while I refuse to suffer in silence like a good little victim.

I know you would like me to cower and die, to solve your problem.

But I will not be silent, and I sure as hell will not die.

Yet I’m afraid, but not afraid.

After a childhood of constant terror, and an adulthood scared of everything and everyone, I’m not waiting anymore time on fear.

I’m done with you and your lies.

I’m no longer your victim, I am now your SURVIVOR!

What I Have Learned

Over the last two years I have learned a lot of things that I wish I didn’t have to learn but that have made me grow to some pretty unbelievable heights. I have also learned a lot about myself and my ability to handle tough situations no matter how bad they are or seem at the moment.

I will start by saying that I have been through more than any one person should ever have to go through these last few years.

I have lost myself, found myself, thought about killing myself on several occasions and pulled myself back up again and as hopeless as I have felt I am still here!!!!!!!!  And PROUD of myself for it.

A month ago I was in Court………………..

I was charged with a Misdemeanor for supposedly filing a false Police Report……………….

I was found GUILTY………..

I am GUILTY…… not for the charge that they have found me guilty of, but rather I am guilty of believing in our legal system and believing that they would help me, protect me and uphold the law the way it should be reguardless of the person who has committed the crime.

I am really sorry that I held the department up on a pedistil and thought better of them and their morals and integrity.

Sorry for trusting you all………

I will never make that mistake again………….

I’m Not Yours, I Never Was!

Take your hands off me

My body is not yours

IT NEVER WAS

Don’t touch me in ways you shouldn’t

My body is mine

Not yours

IT NEVER WAS

Don’t place your lips anywhere upon my body

Don’t try to place kisses upon me

Don’t suck or lick any part of my body

Don’t try to turn me on with your tongue

My body is mine

Not yours

IT NEVER WAS

Don’t come into my room and crawl into my bed with me

My body is mine

Not yours

IT NEVER WAS

Don’t undress me like I’m your own personal Barbie Doll

Don’t strip me down or rip my clothes off me

Keep your hands off my body

My body is mine

Not yours

IT NEVER WAS

Hurts To Breathe

It Hurts to Breathe

Why?

What did I ever do to you?

Why did you feel the need to do this to me?

Why did my own mother and sisters help you to abuse and rape me?

What did you all get out of this?

Was it fun for you?

Did you enjoy watching me suffer?

Did you think it was a game or that it was funny?

Did you get enjoyment out of watching your husband rape your own daughter?

Did it excite you?

Did you enjoy holding me down for him?

Did you enjoy listening to me scream for help?

Did you even care?

Did you think my screaming out for help was funny?

Why didn’t you stop him?

How could you just watch him do this to me let alone help him rape and beat me?

Did you enjoy watching him try to strangle me to keep me quiet?

Did you care that he left bruises all over me?

That his handprints were bruised into my neck where he squeezed so tight I could not breathe or even scream?

DID YOU CARE?

DID YOU TRY TO HELP ME?

DID YOU MAKE HIM STOP?

NO