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Hurts To Breathe

It Hurts to Breathe

Why?

What did I ever do to you?

Why did you feel the need to do this to me?

Why did my own mother and sisters help you to abuse and rape me?

What did you all get out of this?

Was it fun for you?

Did you enjoy watching me suffer?

Did you think it was a game or that it was funny?

Did you get enjoyment out of watching your husband rape your own daughter?

Did it excite you?

Did you enjoy holding me down for him?

Did you enjoy listening to me scream for help?

Did you even care?

Did you think my screaming out for help was funny?

Why didn’t you stop him?

How could you just watch him do this to me let alone help him rape and beat me?

Did you enjoy watching him try to strangle me to keep me quiet?

Did you care that he left bruises all over me?

That his handprints were bruised into my neck where he squeezed so tight I could not breathe or even scream?

DID YOU CARE?

DID YOU TRY TO HELP ME?

DID YOU MAKE HIM STOP?

NO

More of my Poems…..

Here are some more of my poems.  I find it easier to write then to talk about things.

 

Sorry

I’m sorry that I’m not the perfect daughter

I’m sorry that I’m not good enough

I’m sorry that I’m always depressed

So sorry

That I just don’t care anymore

It gets to the point where it hurts to bad

When “sorry” is just never quite enough

When life grabs you by your throat

And beats your fucking head against the wall

And it just doesn’t matter anymore

That’s where I am

And I don’t expect you to understand it

I don’t want your pitty

I don’t want anything from you

I just want to die.

 

 

The Silent Child

She sits alone in her room

and wipes away the tears

hiding beneath the covers

so no one else hears –

she wraps them tight around her

to shut out all her pain

praying if there is a God

to make her safe again.

 

She snuggles deep into her bed

holding the covers tight

cuddling her little teddy bear

she leaves on the light –

she waits for the assurance

that all have gone to bed

then settles into slumber

so she can dream instead.

 

She wakes to the sound of footsteps

walking down the hall

then he stops outside her room

and opens up the door –

she shivers with her childlike fear

as she starts to cry

knowing what he has come here for

though she doesn’t know why.

 

He tells her she is special

that she’s his little girl

as he pulls back the covers

into her silent world –

he says that it’s their secret

the special game they play

for no one else would understand

they’d just take him away.

 

She lay there in her silence

with her clothes on the floor

trying not to think of it

as the tears slowly fall –

she hears the clock ticking

as her mind drifts away

her teddy bear beside her

where he also lay.

 

She wonders why he comes to her

in the middle of the night

when he should be with mommy

holding her so tight –

she listens to him tell her

that she will be to blame

if anyone discovers

their special secret game.

 

She pulls up the covers

as he rises from her bed

tweaking at her little nose

and kissing her forehead –

she watches as he dresses

as he tells her once again

this is their secret

she mustn’t say a thing.

 

She watches as he leaves her room

and closes the door

and listens for his footsteps

walking back down the hall –

then she cuddles up to teddy

and cries her silent tears

beneath her soiled covers

so no one else can hear.

 

And as she lay in her silence

with her tear-filled eyes

each time he comes to her

a part of her dies –

she curls up in her bed

and hugs her teddy tight

and prays that he will never

come to her again at night.

 

 

Empty World

I’m alone here in this world,

I’m left here to die,

I’m trying to drown in my sorrows,

In the tears that I cry.

 

I’m alone here in this world,

With no love or a friend,

Wiping tears from my eyes,

This pain will never end.

 

I’m alone here in this world,

Dumped in this empty lot,

I will never find the care I need,

Or the love I’ve sought.

 

I’m alone here in this world,

My heart is weeping still,

To find a caring soul,

I’ll search this world over,

I will.

 

 

Circle of Darkness

In the circle of darkness

No light dares to shine;

Their bodies are moving

Circling mine.

 

The noises start mounting

None of them clear;

As darkness surrounds me

I disappear.

 

In this dark circle

I’m no longer whole;

They can torture my body

But can’t touch my soul.

 

 

It’s Not Fair

It’s not fair!

It’s all my fault,

I was wrong,

I wasn’t an innocent child.

 

Why do I have to live with this?

The evil invading my body and mind.

Why must I suffer the consequence

of what someone else did?

 

Why must I relive the terror and agony again and again?

I have this feeling of powerlessness, of having the pain take over and control me.

It’s not fair!

I did nothing wrong!

 

I tried to cry out, but no one was there.

I tried to tell, but no one listened.

I didn’t want it to happen.

 

I want them to suffer!

I want them to experience the pain I feel!

The terror that overpowers me.

Let them suffer for what they’ve done!

 

I did nothing wrong.

It wasn’t my fault.

I was an innocent child,

An unwilling pawn in they’re life of crime,

In they’re sick game of “love” using a child,

Their trying to fill a void, taking it out on me.

It wasn’t my fault, I had nothing to do with their illness,

They shouldn’t have made me their momentary cure.

 

It’s not fair!

I want them to suffer a life of hell,

To truly know the agony I still live with,

The pain I experience.

I want them to know what I go through,

And how they’ve changed my life.

 

I’m not ready to forgive,

I’m furious to the depths of my soul.

I hate them for what they’ve done,

For hurting me – my body and soul.

Someday, I might be able to forgive,

But not now.

 

 

The Faraway Corner

She cringes in a faraway corner,

Afraid of that hand above her in the air.

Many times that hand has hurt her,

She searches to find someone who cares.

Her screams ring out into the night,

Stinging tears roll down her face.

She doesn’t have enough strength to fight.

She reaches out for gentle arms to embrace,

But all that is there is the cold air.

Her safe world has now been shattered

As she cries alone

Thinking nobody cares.

 

 

Close

Inside these walls, a perpetual night

I live in the darkness to stay out of sight

I flinch around others, can’t handle the light

It’s all so intrusive, too loud and too bright

At the threshold of hell I have so close

Deeply disturbed, tormented, morose

Spiraling down, to this pain I succumb

Breaking the point at which I will turn numb

Chillingly silent, Nightmarishly black

Blood’s the one thing to which I react

I use the cool blades to keep me alive

The physical string on which I thrive

By turns sobbing wildly, then hardening to stone

In mercurial madness I suffer alone

Planning the moment at which all this will end

Towards my departure I slowly decend

Time starts to melt, twist in on itself

I’m beginning to think that I might need some help

They’ll get one last chance to see I’m still here

Though dwindling faster then they ever feared

I step out at the close, my last chance to survive

I dare someone to notice that I’m still alive

For if no one does, then I’ll know what to do

The shadow will fall, and I will be through

 

Collapse

Exhaustion beyond the point of return

So much life is gone, no fuel left to burn

All love is lost, no passion remains

So broken down I can’t even complain

Too tired to breathe, too tired to move

I’ve nothing to promise, and nothing to prove

After the fury, undeniable fall

I’ve run for so long and I’ve hit the wall

I’m cutting them off and closing up shop

I can no longer be just an unwilling prop

In this future farce, this asinine game

For which every part of my soul has been claimed

All will is lost and all apathy reigns

If only this madness could just be contained

I have to implode, make everything small

I’m no longer responding to anyone’s calls

I’m closing my eyes no so leave me alone

Just let me be lost in a world of my own.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Letter to my abuser (my father)

One night at the support group that I attend our group facilitator wanted to talk about the Stanford Rape Case, I was reluctant. She had copied some of the Victim’s Victim Impact Statement and we sat there and read it. I was amazed at this Girls strength and what it took for her to write it. When I got home I found and read the whole thing.

After we read this in group the leader handed us notebooks and a pen and said that she wanted us to write our own Victim Impact Statement.  It was hard, at first I was like, OMG I can’t do this, was shaking, having a panic attack, ready to lose my shit and just literally break down. I sat there absolutely silent and tried not to look up at the others as I didn’t want to let them see what a toll this was having on me and that I was on the verge of crying.

I was not able to even start my letter that night while there.

A few night’s later I was at home sitting in bed watching Criminal Minds and just decided okay, I can do this, I am a warrior and I am strong enough to do it.

So I did

I have only gone back and read it once, I have shared it with others and have been told it is very powerful and well written.

It is something that someday I want to send to my abuser, my rapist, the person who was supposed to keep me safe and failed to as he was the one hurting me.

MY FATHER!!!!

One day he will see it, when I am ready to let him.

So here it is………….

This could be TRIGGERING for some

 

I have a lot of things to say to you. I will start by saying that you are the worst kind of perverted Bastard that one can come across- as a child you couldn’t keep your eyes off of me, your own daughter, your own child. Where were your senses then? In your fucking pants. In a father-daughter relationship there is NO room for sexual thoughts, but you thought them and you acted on them. What kind of fucking man are you that you could not just beat but rape your own child? Have you even looked at yourself in the mirror lately? Do you like what you see? Have you even tried to access yourself as a person? As a man? As a father?

The full impact of your abusive behavior is coming to the forefront now. Did you ever care about my well-being, my safety or the affect that your continued abuse would have on me as a child and now as an adult? No, because you have only wanted and still only want what you want, me in a sexual way. I often recall you saying that you loved yourself more then anyone else, but that you loved me more, I never really understood what you meant by that till I was older and it still makes me want to throw up when I think about your so called love for me. You were and still are a selfish son of a bitch who doesn’t give a fuck about my welfare. It was my fault to not speak up sooner about what you were doing all those years and what you continue to do today to me. I was a fool for ever thinking that you could or would change. You are a disgusting human being that deserves to die. Unfortunately I know that won’t happen anytime soon and that makes me want to kill myself to stop you from assaulting me ever again. You have not only made me feel dirty, guilty and ashamed but you have made me feel unsafe around any male I come in contact with. Some days I choke on my own feelings because I still blame myself for what you have done and are still doing. You groomed me and traumatized me from such a young tender age and evoked such shame and guilt in me that I could not acknowledge what was happening to me, I thought that what you and mom were doing was how a “normal loving” family showed love to one another. God was I wrong in so many ways but didn’t know that till I was older either. You treated me like I was your slut, your property, and that was wrong but I never realized it because I actually looked up to you then, that was a mistake as well as much as it was to ever trust you. I was a kid and didn’t know any better. I adored you, I thought you actually loved me and not in some sick twisted way as I have come to know over the years. I can and will never forget how you got me to do what you wanted me to do for your satisfaction. I was actually flattered believing that you cared about me and for me. Again God was I wrong. How the fuck could you kiss me in such an intimate way? You had a wife that you should have been sharing those moments with, not a child, your daughter. Did you know the sin you were committing? Yes, I’m sure that you did but that you really didn’t give a fuck as to what you were doing as long as you were getting what you wanted and you were happy right? So what did it matter to you if you were taking advantage of your own daughter? How could you possibly be sexually aroused by a child? How could you lay next to me naked and think that was okay to do? How could you undress me and touch me in places a father should never touch his daughter? How could you make me touch you in places that were not comfortable at all? How could you put your lips on my body in places that are untouchable to a father? How could you make me put my mouth on you in places that made me sick and wanting to puke all over you? How could you have me touch your penis and make you so aroused that you would rape me for your own gratification? After you would touch me and rape me how could you get in bed next to your wife and have sex with her? How could she sleep with you knowing what you were doing to her daughter, your daughter? Makes me sick just thinking about how she never ever stopped you from hurting me and still doesn’t stop you but instead helps you. When you beat and rape me now the lust and that look in your eyes still haunts me every time. You still have that look, the rage, the lust and the ability to take me right back to that young age when you first stated assaulting me. I still don’t understand how you could be sexually aroused by a child. I still feel dirty, I still feel ashamed and I still have flashbacks and nightmares of the assaults and all the assaults now that you have committed over the past two and a half years. Again I was fucking stupid as hell to think that you could ever change and be a real loving and caring father and grandfather. Just thinking about all this right now makes my skin crawl. Did you strip me naked in your dreams before you finally got up the nerve to come into my room and do it? Did you touch me and rape me in your dreams before you did it to me for the first time? You are a fucking bastard and you will never see your granddaughter again if I have anything to say about it. I will not let her be your next victim. And as horrible as this sounds if it has to happen to me so I can keep her safe so be it. I would die for her before I ever let you get ahold of her or even touch her. You will never ever get the chance. Everything that you have done and continue to do is so vivid in my memory that it’s haunting me all day everyday and I can’t sleep because of it.

Your blatant disregard for my feelings, emotions, self respect, pride and dignity has caused irreparable psychological damage to me. But how would you know what it feels like to be violated? You have violated my inner-most space, my essence and my soul. You have brutality took away everything good in me, my purity, and innocence. Did you derive a lot of pleasure from raping me? Have you done this to other girls, kids besides me? Have you had other victims? You can lie to me, to the cops, to your family but you can’t lie to yourself about who you are and who you are is a Bastard Raping Father. Can you handle the label? Not that I care if you can or not because that is who and what you truly are, a Sexual Predator. You can’t run from yourself, I know because I have tried to run away from myself, it doesn’t work as much as I want it to it doesn’t. It doesn’t change who I am and what you have done and still do to me to this very day. Did my mother know about your sexual desires when she married you? Did she approve of what you were doing at that time? I know she does now because she has helped you assault me, she can burn in hell along with you because that’s what you both deserve. How could either of you perceive your own child as a sexual object, as a sexual partner?

Words can not fully explain the pain and trauma that I suffer day in and day out because of what you are doing and have done for so many years. How anyone could do such a thing to a family member is beyond my imagination. I don’t know about you but it has always been a lose-lose situation for me. I lost the things that I once cherished and held dear to me and nothing can bring those things back to me, they are gone forever because of your selfish self-gratifying acts of sexual abuse. Who the hell gave you the right to commit such sinful acts upon a child, again your own child? This whole thing just sickens me to death. I still have a hard time accepting and admitting what you have done and continue to do because I’m so determined that it was and still is my fault. How could it not be? I feel very cheated, I was cheated out of my childhood an cheated out of having any kind of normal relationship with any man now as I fear men, all men because of you. Do people, fathers and mothers really do these things to someone that they love? I know the answer to that is no, so I know that you don’t and never have actually “loved” me at all In my life. Do you even know the meaning of the word “love”? Love means respect for another persons feelings, love means retaining and investing trust in one another, love means feeling safe and secure, love means caring, love means many more things than just being sexually intimate. Love is an intimate connection to the soul of another person. You claimed that you love me. I wonder about that, no I know that you never have and never will love me the way I deserved to be loved by a parent. Firstly, you need to know that your sexual feelings towards me are considered socially unacceptable due to the nature of our blood relation as my father. Okay, if you you had such feelings towards me your own daughter and even entertained the thought of that kind of sexual relationship with me then you were not thinking about my welfare. Love means respecting boundaries and you certainly did not and still do not respect mine at all no matter how many times I run and try to get away from you. Instead you have brutally and cruelly deprived me of my pride and dignity. You never gave a second thought about betraying my trust in you or any other man. You and mom should have been the two adults in my life that I should have trusted most, but you were not and never ever will be as long as I live. What you felt for me was not love- you don’t know or even understand the meaning of it. You were just looking to have a good time, you still are to this day.

Just the fact that you and mom have made me a part of your incestuous acts completely freaks me out even still as I’m writing this. You have inflicted such dirty and disgusting behavior on me that I am struggling to overcome the shame, fear, guilt and anger associated with you two and your actions. It’s hard to get past this and get through these feelings when the anise is still happening. I have moved, reported you and yet you have somehow dodged all my attempts to be free of you and the abuse and that saddens me that our law enforcement and judicial system may have changed so much over the years. They have given abusers and rapists rights, and taken the rights of the victim to be protected away by protecting the abusers/rapists in this world. The shame and guilt I feel over all this should be yours, not mine but unfortunately it has not worked that way for me. I still carry it with me and will for the rest of my life because that is what you conditioned me to believe at such a young age. It’s so easy for you to shake this all off and place the guilt on me, it’s harder for me to shake it off as I feel responsible for your actions towards me. I feel like I was a horrible daughter and that is why you “chose” me to be your target. It’s so hard to talk about all these things, it brings up the shame, anger, fear and guilt that I try so hard to forget. I can not forget it though, any of it. You see your constant abuse and sexual assaults have left me feeling like I don’t belong here on this earth, that my life doesn’t matter and I don’t matter because you never ever loved me a day in the last 36 years. I may have been born to you but you never loved me as your child, as your daughter. I was a gullible child and believed everything you told me as I thought it was “normal”. Now knowing that it’s not it makes me sad to realize that I wish I would have known it then. The shame is so deeply entrenched that I cannot separate it from my body. You played around with my feelings, my thoughts and my innermost self. You damaged my soul, my body and have made me feel like an object rather then a person. I am ashamed that I fell victim to your acts, that I was not strong enough to speak up sooner, not like speaking up has changed anything, let’s face it everyone thinks that you are the perfect person, some upstanding citizen in the community. If they only knew what kind of a guy you truly are, they would be disgusted. I am ashamed that I let you play with my feelings and made me feel the way I feel today. I will get to that part later. You disrespected me as a person.

I am so angry that you found it okay to take advantage of me and my feelings as a child. I was at an age that I didn’t understand what you were doing nor did I understand it. I still don’t understand it because I can’t find any justification for what you have done and continue to do. By the time I finally realized that this kind of love was not “normal” it was to late, the damage had already been done and it was deep. Shot at 18 I married my now ex husband to get the fuck away from you and mom. I couldn’t stand the thought of being near you another minute. I was never in love with him bit was very much intrigued by getting the fuck away from you and mom as I couldn’t take another minute of the abuse. In the end it didn’t last because I married him for all the wrong reasons. I now have no desire to ever get married again or to even let any man get that close for the fear that he may assault me or try to hurt my child. When I look at a man I wonder if he’s good, or is he a child abuser or rapist. I worry about every little thing about them to try to guard my heart which is not whole and never ever will be again.

I never ever once dreamed that the people sworn to protect you, the parents could ever betray and hurt a child instead of protecting them. You are supposed to be the joy in my life, instead you are the cause of my pain and my greatest fears. Why did you beat and rape me knowing that what you were doing was and is wrong? What the hell was your objective? How and why did you retain such thoughts of abuse, assault and rape? How could you use your daughter for your own pleasure? I have always wondered if you yourself was abused as a child, but then I think that eve of you were that still doesn’t give you the right or even justify you doing it to me. I wish this world was perfect but it’s not. I wish that justice would be done and know that when your day comes you will answer to God for what you have done, until that day I hope you suffer knowing that you will be going to hell. You robbed me of my childhood. You have robbed me of any kind of good life now as well. Being alone frightens me, not just because that is the time that you come after me but it’s the time when I don’t feel safe with myself (again will get to that part of this soon). I don’t trust anyone especially not myself. Maybe I have you the wrong impression as a child or did something that made you think that touching, beating and raping me seemed okay for you to do. Maybe I was the bad guy in all of this, maybe I still am. Do you have any fucking clue how painful and worthless this has all made me feel? No because you don’t give a shit as long as you are happy right? Yep, that’s what I thought. I feel so used and hopeless. But how would you know that? You don’t see it. You don’t see the pain I feel day in and day out. You don’t get my innermost thoughts and struggles that I deal with on a day to day basis. Not like you would even care. You are the one who has implanted all this pain and suffering in my heart, I hope that you are proud of yourself for killing what was once good in me. You took advantage of my trust in you and my innocence. You are a Bastard from Hell, where you will end up one day and I hope it’s everything that you want it to be, no I really don’t want that. I want you to suffer, to be raped in your next life, to be in prison and know how it feels to be a sex offender because yes, that is what you are. Your inflated ego is bigger than you.

Do you know anything about how I feel? No because you don’t give a shit at all. Do you have any idea how I feel today? Tonight after you once again raped me? You are so full of yourself that you have no time or regard for anyone but yourself. No surprise there. You are inflicting so much pain and hurt in me that it’s killing me. The internal and external damage that you have caused kills the soul. It has brutally damaged my perception of myself, of who I once was. I am not that person anymore. I am a fragile, broken soul that everyone can tell has been abused and raped. People can see right through me and see the pain and fear behind my eyes that I can no longer hide. I am devastated by what’s happening to me at your hands. But I don’t know how to stop you. I tried when I reported you before, you were able to get out of it but I thought maybe just maybe that would be enough to get you to stop, I was wrong. It only pissed you off more and has made you rougher. I’m supposed to be this big strong green belt in karate that should be able to fight back and kick your ass but I can’t, I freeze, you get to have your fun and get your pleasure while I lay there hating myself and wishing for death as I should have fought harder. Fighting you only makes you enjoy the assault more. It gives you the gratification that you want and that makes me mad. Makes me more angry and pissed off that I just let you do it as a way for me to survive. If you had what you wanted you would let me live, if I struggled and fought it just aroused you more and my body always reacted to you raping me, still does and that makes me responsible for you continuing to rape me. I am saying no but my body is deceiving me and saying yes. Do you even care? Do you know the devastation that I feel when you get done “raping” me? Do you know that I’m sitting below rock bottom right now? Do you know how badly I want to escape you and the pain which has brought me to my next thing, suicide.

So over the past 6 months since I finally got the courage to report your sorry ass, to even press charges and testify to your sick acts against me and then got let down by outlet shitty judicial system has left me looking for other ways to escape you and your abuse towards me. I have thought of suicide so many times that I can’t tell you the exact number. Just in the past two weeks alone I have thought about it several times a day, especially at night when I can’t sleep due to you. Your attacks, and sick acts keep me up. I’m going on very little sleep because it’s better than shutting my eyes and seeing you raping me, it’s better then the dreams and nightmares that wake me up screaming night after night when I am actually able to sleep. In the last two weeks I have tested the limits with sleeping pills, how many I could take just to sleep, but most of all to see if I would sleep and not wake up but drift up with God, one of many people who does love me and care about me. I pray every night that either you will kill me, or that I will kill myself or that God will take me and spare me anymore pain. Tonight happens to be a night that I am having very serious and very strong thoughts about killing myself just to get away from you. Moving has not helped, you seem to find me everywhere. So as far as I am concerned I am already dead inside, I died a long time ago, the first time you came to me in the middle of the night. All this week I have been mixing different pills with my prescription pills hoping and praying to not wake up. It’s gotten so bad that working has been hard, I’m not sleeping much, I’m very emotional and I’m trying to figure out a very quick and painless way to kill myself. That should scare me but it doesn’t. Really sad that I feel that suicide is the only way to get away from them forever. The thoughts have been extremely strong and I have made sure that I have the means to carry my plan out. That should scare me to along with the thought of dying but it does not either. I don’t know where I am going from here but I do know that I can’t and don’t ever want to go through anymore assaults or pain. So now it’s time to choose, life or death?
So that’s where I leave this. Dad, what do you think I’m going to choose? After all I feel this way because of you. Again I hope your happy with yourself as you have completely destroyed me.

 

Raped (poem)

Breathe!
Breathe in, Breathe out,
Breathe in, Breathe out.
Breathe!
That breathe of air I cannot reach,
That breathe of air I desperately need,
That breathe of air that doesn’t come,
That breathe of air, seized my lungs.
Stuck.
Frozen.
Never escaping.
My nightmare.
There.
I never awaken.
Breathe!
Breathe in, Breathe out,
Breathe in, Breathe out,
Force it into my lungs,
Cannot reach it now.
Reaching.
Feeling.
Trying.
Never succeeding.
Breathe!
Cannot breathe,
Never have been since that day,
Cannot breathe,
Since you stole my life away.
You raped me.
You must hate me!
To take everything from me,
Maybe it’s destiny!
Breathe!
Breathe in, Breathe out,
Breathe in, Breathe out.
Breathe!
In and out,
In and out,
I want to scream!
I want to shout!
To escape.
To run.
To climb.
To flee.
All I want is to desperately be free!
I cannot feel,
I cannot be,
I cannot escape this hell you’ve created for me!
Breathe!
Breathe in, Breathe out,
Breathe in, Breathe out.
Free myself free myself from the chains
Those shackles tethered to me.
How,
Breathe!
How?
Talking.
Suffocating.
Terrorizing.
That’s all you do,
Forcing me into this hell,
Is this a game to you?
Breathe!
Breathe in, Breathe out,
Breathe in, Breathe out.
Will I ever be free?
Stuck in those shackles indeed.
Frozen again.
Still.
Silent.
Waiting.
Waiting to be raped again.
Wait is over.
Tonight.
Fear.
Pain.
Death.
Breathe!
I cannot breathe.
Breathe in, Breathe out,
Breathe in, Breathe out.
Breathe!
The noose you have around my neck,
Suffocating me.
Killing me.
I am yours.
You control me.
You own me.
Suffocating.
I cannot breathe.
Lying here.
Pain.
Bruises.
Tears.
Paralyzed by the fear.
You come back.
Your not done.
I cannot breathe.
I cannot cry.
Fear.
Frozen.
Pain.
Chains.
Terror.
Raped.
Beaten.
Torn apart.
Falling.
Still cannot breathe.
Falling.
The hole is deep.
Dark.
Suicide.
Pills.
Crying.
Cannot breathe still.
Flashbacks.
Terror.
Naked.
Falling.
Falling.
Falling.
Broken.
Beaten.
Raped.
Waiting….
Darkness shall take me,
Death is comforting,
Pills in hand,
Tears,
Hopeless,
Helpless,
Dirty,
Lost all hope.
Not safe,
Pills,
Bleeding,
Hurting,
Broken.
Bruises all over,
Lost.
Alone.
Suicide.
Cannot breathe.
Take me
God just take me.
Let me go.
Dying inside.
Cannot live.
Cannot breathe.
You have taken my life.
Panicking,
Freaking out.
Let me go,
Let me go,
Set me free.
Take this pain,
Just let me be.
Set me free.
Death
Cannot breathe.
Cannot breathe.
Suffocating.
Please just let me go.
Strangled.
Suffocating.
Kill me now.
Pain.
Fear.
Raped again.
Knife to my throat.
Do it,
Kill me now,
No more pain.
Raped again.
Even more pain now.
Trying to breathe,
Feeling like I’m suffocating.
You beat me again and only god knows why.
If you beat me again I’m going to die

Late night thoughts 

When it’s 4 am and you can’t sleep. 

I’m exhausted from trying to be stronger then I feel. 

I’m breaking down, crying. Crying from the pain, the fear, the anxiety of what today may bring. 

Will it be good? Will it be bad?

What will I tell my therapist when she asks me the weekly question?

“Kristi are you suicidal?”

What do I answer? 

In some ways I still am and I fear that I always will be given the pain and agony I’m feeling so deep down inside. 

What does it feel like?

It feels like I’m drowning, that no matter what anyone does to try to help I will go under.  Under into a very deep dark hole, the walls will cave in and everything under me will cease to exist and I will fall.  

There will be no one to take my hand and pull me back out.

I will suffocate, I will drown. 

The tears will fall, they will keep falling. 

The sun will fade, no stars will shine, there will be only darkness. 

I will be sitting in the courtroom, he will be there. 

Who is he?

He is my greatest fear, my worst nightmare.  The reason I cease to breathe, the reason I am broken, the reason I’m falling, the reason I hate myself and the reason why there is absolutely no way I can love myself. 

Why can’t I love myself?

I am broken, I am damaged, my heart is shattered, I’m shattered, I’m ugly, dirty. You made me dirty. I can’t make you go away, what you leave inside of me will never disappear. It will always remain as will the scars, flashbacks and nightmares.  

I HATE MYSELF

I HATE YOU

I HATE YOUR ENTIRE EXISTENCE 

WHY DID YOU HAVE TO ABUSE ME?

WHY DID YOU FEEL THE NEED TO RAPE ME OVER AND OVER AGAIN? 

WHAT DID I DO TO YOU?

WAIT…..don’t answer that last question because no matter what reason you give me it CAN NOT and WILL NOT EVER JUSTIFY ANYTHING THAT YOU HAVE DONE TO ME EVER.  

You don’t get to be upset that you lost a daughter. 

You don’t get to be upset that I have pushed you out of my life. 

You don’t get to be angry, upset, sad.  And you don’t get to cry. 

You have nothing to cry over, you did this to yourself. 

YOU ABUSED ME

YOU DON’T DESERVE TO HAVE ME IN YOUR LIVES

YOU DON’T HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE PARENTS 

NOT AFTER WHAT YOU DID TO ME

SO DON’T YOU CRY OVER LOSING ME EVER

YOU DON’T GET THAT RIGHT

INSTEAD…..

You have the right to not ever call me again like I have asked

You have the right to stay the hell out of my life

You have the right to be miserable for the rest of your pathetic lives 

Does any of this make me feel better?

No……why…….

Because no matter what I say I still blame myself every day, every minute, every second of my life because I could not stop you, I could’t protect myself, I was weak and that was my mistake. 

YOU TOOK MY VOICE AWAY FROM ME

MY DIGNITY 

MY CHILDHOOD 

MY SAFETY 

MY RIGHT TO LOVE SOMEONE AND HAVE THEM LOVE ME

SO NOW I CHOOSE TO…..

STAND UP AND SPEAK OUT AGAINST YOU

USE MY VOICE

TELL YOU NO 

SCREAM AND SHOUT

I may be a VICTIM but I’m also a SURVIVOR 

I DID WHAT I WAS SUPPOSED TO, I STAYED ALIVE THROUGH IT ALL

I MAY BE BROKEN…..BUT…..EVEN BROKEN BUTTERFLIES HEAL AND FLY. 

I WILL HEAL AND I WILL SPRED MY WINGS AND FLY TO UNIMAGINABLE HEIGHTS. 

I WILL LEARN TO LOVE MYSELF 

I WILL TRUST IN GOD AND LET HIM GUIDE ME IN MY DARKEST HOURS

HE IS GOOD AND HE IS GREAT AND HE IS MY STRENGTH

“HOW CAN SHE DROWN ANYMORE. 

HER DREAMS IN ASHES ON THE FLOOR

WHEN WILL SHE SAY, I’VE HAD ENOUGH 

NO MORE”

I SAY IT NOW, RIGHT HERE

I’VE HAD ENOUGH

I WILL NOT PROTECT YOU ANYMORE 

MY VOICE IS LOUD AND CLEAR

YOU WILL NEVER DO THIS TO ME AGAIN

I AM NO LONGER YOURS TO DO AS YOU PLEASE WITH 

YOUR DONE

YOU WILL NEVER EVER LAY ANOTHER HAND ON ME 

#Breakingthesilence #endingabuse #stayingstrong #savingmyself

Some of my poems…….

I have been writing poetry since I was a teenager, thought it may be time to share some of it.

 

I’m…….

……too scared of life, I can’t carry on,

too useless for everyone, they all want me gone,

too impossible to love, too impossible to care,

too confused in this broken land, for me there’s no one there,

too invisible for everyone, they think I’m a bore,

too damaged at heart which they gladly tore,

too emotional, I can’t possibly live on anymore…..

 

 

Forever Changed….

I heard the footsteps coming and I knew this would be another long night

And something inside me screamed this time it really isn’t right

The words he was saying were ruthless and cruel

And each time he hit me I sat there and obeyed each and every rule

I sat there blanked faced and scared knowing that I couldn’t cry

For I knew what would happen if he saw the tears in my eyes

 

Each and every swing felt worse and worse

And then all I wanted was to be dead in a hearse

He got real close and whispered, “Bitch, I wish you weren’t alive,”

And all I was thinking was you’re right, I wish I wouldn’t survive

He threw me against the wall then proceeded to pin me to the ground

He hit me again, covered my mouth, not letting me make a sound

 

I started to struggle and tried to release myself of his forceful grip

Then the next thing I heard was a loud, horrifying rip

His hands were cold and I cringed at the first touch

I don’t understand how a father could hate his daughter so much

I froze and I couldn’t believe that he was really going on

I just kept looking at the clock wanting him to be gone

 

I tried so badly not to think of the sharp pain

And this wasn’t part of his usual game

I closed my eyes wishing the time would just pass by

And the next time I opened them I would be up in the sky

He pushed harder and harder and excruciating pain was all I felt

The next thing I heard was the unbuckling of his belt

Something happened inside of e that night

I curled up in a ball and flew high to the sky

 

 

Hell

One word to sum it all up

One word to describe torture

The hurt, pain, emptiness,

I can describe only as hell.

 

Everything exposed, open

My world ripped apart

My insides taken away

A blank, empty hole left.

 

Raped not once, but many times

Victimized over and over

Weakened by power

Anything left of me gone.

 

All of me taken away

My smile drowned out

Any happiness saddened

An overwhelming sense of nothing.

 

Feeling so small, weak

Hurting through and through

Wanting to hide, escape

Wanting it all to stop.

 

A room full of strangers

Staring at me on my own

Alone made to suffer

Alone left to fight.

 

Challenged to pieces

Broken up bit by bit

Pulled back and forth

Left shattered, crushed.

 

No one caring, only judging

A raped liar, a liar

Not believed, not trusted

A guilty, bad person.

 

Put through total hell

Raped by a bastard

Raped by a court

In front of him.

 

Put through rape

Then forced to talk

Forced to talk through it

How he raped me again.

 

Forced to sit in front of him

Describe the hell he put me through

What he did to me

For what?

 

Now he gets away with it

No one could decide

So he walks away

Unless I do it all over again.

 

Hell, one word, hell

I can’t do this again

Where am I in this?

I’m gone. I’m lost now.

 

Somewhere I have to get myself back

Right now I’m dead inside

I’ve taken as much as I’m willing to take

I want my life back now.

 

 

Inside

I cry

No words to describe the pain

Not enough tears

To show the desperation.

 

Inside my body

I’m a tangled mess

Of hurt I can’t verbalize

Of suffering no-one understands.

 

During the day, I smile

No one sees the sadness

No one realizes it

I’m reaching out for help.

 

I long to be held

To be comforted

Inside I’m a small child

Holing in the tears.

 

Images haunt me

Like a ghost in the dark

To share them with

When I’m alone in my head.

 

So much darkness

All of it painful

Inside I’m frightened

Inside I’m dying.

 

 

Fatigue

Dark memories surround each night

As soon as I turn off the light

Shadows of grief crawl over me

And I ask myself

Why won’t he take responsibility?

But ugly pictures suddenly appear

Sucking and spitting out all my fears

And as they float through the bitter dark

I ask to stop the pain soaked heart

Stop crying, hurting, just stop to beat

I feel so miserable and fatigued

Now disgust and sickness take control

I roll over, trying to soothe my damaged soul

I need to breathe, need an escape

I pray for one beautiful dream

Please, it is getting late

But no matter how I try to lay

I just can not forget the terrible day.

 

 

Why Me?

A smile on the cheeks

A wink of the eye

The playfulness of a joke

All so sincere

All so fake

Covering up what I feel

Inside, every day.

Stormy emotions.

Sometimes happy, often sad

Try to make people laugh

So no one feels this bad.

Used

and lied to,

manipulated,

abused.

Why me?

 

 

My Fault

It was my fault for being raped

My mouth said no but my body said yes

It was my fault for being raped

Got in his car, over and over, knowing what would happen

It was my fault for being raped

For accepting his kisses, then changing my mind

It was my fault for being raped

For being young and nervous,

And terrified of what would happen of I said “NO”

It was my fault for being raped

For resisting and resisting, but finally giving in

It was my fault for being raped

For being to scared to say “NO”

For not saying “NO” enough times

For not saying “NO” loudly enough

For not fighting back.

 

 

It’s Over

Sparks of light,

Triggers a fright.

The soul screaming,

The mind stuck dreaming.

Heart pierced and hollow,

The throat can not swallow.

Eyes half open yet shut,

Fingers bleeding from trying to crawl out of this rut.

Legs shaking from the weight,

Memories recalling those two dates.

Ears deaf to any sound,

The shadows hiding, even they do not want to be around.

Lungs empty, no air to breathe.

 

 

God is Weeping

It’s dark and cold down here,

A child curls up and cries;

God sadly shakes his head,

As tears fall from his eyes.

 

A father beats his little girl,

Blow after violent blow;

And God pretests in helpless rage,

As he views the scene below.

 

The little girl lies sleeping,

Her father stumbles in,

And God protests in horror,

As he rapes his child again.

 

He bends his head in sorrow,

Lightning fills the sky;

Rain storms flood the earth below,

And God shudders as he cries.

 

 

 

Two Small Hands

Two small hands and ten small fingers

Turn the pages of a book

Protect her from her fathers looks

Two small hands and ten small fingers

Build a castle in the sand

Push away her father’s hand

Two small hands and ten small fingers

Useful tools to climb a hill

Forced to move against her will

Two small hands and ten small fingers

Dig in the backyard for a treasure

Used to give her father pleasure

Two small hands and ten small fingers

Pressed together in a prayer

Twist and pull at strands of hair

Two small hands and ten small fingers

Roll out play dough, bounce a ball

Feel the texture of the wall

Two small hands and ten small fingers

Picking flowers on a spring day

Wash the icky smells away

Two small hands and ten small fingers

Can’t stop the things that she fears

They can only wipe away the tears.

 

 

 

A Small Child

This tragedy of life,

A small child torn and hurt,

Her innocence taken away,

So violent was his rage,

So angry the pain…

 

What’s going on?

What did I do?

Why is he hurting me so, tearing me,

The pain –

I try to scream and nothing is heard,

Why is he so angry with me?

What did I do to deserve this punishment?

 

He is gone now, I lie here bleeding and hurt,

 

I’m crying, but don’t know why?

Nothings happened, not really,

I must have awaken from a bad dream,

I lie shivering, clutching my pillow,

Finally, crying myself to sleep.

 

It wasn’t real,

Just an evil nightmare,

The first of many I’m soon to know,

It couldn’t have really happened,

So it doesn’t matter how I feel….

 

Or does it?

 

 

 

Window to the Soul

Newborn child, eyes open wide,

Does someone answer when you cry?

Does someone keep you snug and warm,

And are you glad that you were born?

 

Baby with the soft brown hair,

Is there always someone there?

Does someone keep you soft and sweet,

And sing to you as you fall asleep?

 

Baby with your eyes so old,

Does someone warm you when you’re cold?

Does someone rock you to and fro

And watch with wonder as you grow?

 

Dear baby, I feel pain and hurt,

Coming from your eyes?

Did they ignore you when you called,

Did no one hear your cries?

 

Baby, your eyes call to me,

I wish that I knew why,

Each time I see your picture,

I feel the need to cry.

 

Little baby did they hurt you?

Did they say that you’d feel good?

And did somebody touch you,

In ways nobody should?

 

Little girl, soft and warm,

You need to know you did no wrong,

You need to hear, loud and true,

That a terrible wrong was done to you.

 

Grown up woman, pained filled eyes,

Give yourself a chance to cry,

Let the pain out, let it go,

And cleanse the window to your soul.

 

 

Night Terrors

Wakened in the darkened hour

Hearing silent screams

She trembles with a blinding fear

That now fills her dreams.

 

She sees a vision all to real

of a helpless little girl

Taken from her innocence

Into her shattered world.

 

Memories of a trusted hand

Flashbacks in her mind

Are all but fractured segments

Of another place and time.

 

Tear stains on the pillow

Footsteps down the hall

Crying out into the night

Locked behind the bedroom door.

 

The faceless image before her

Games she didn’t understand

Drawings of a mouthless child

With no arms or hands.

 

The terror of her childhood dreams

That haunt her mind today

Still lingers in the memory

Of a time so far away.

 

She closes her tear – filled eyes

To block out all the pain

She doesn’t want to remember

Or to feel that way again.

 

The images of that painful past

That come to her at night

Stalk her in the darkened hours

Till the morning light.

 

 

Only I Know Me

Tell me how I’m feeling

Tell me what I dream

Tell me how I’m acting

Tell me how I seem

Tell me who I hate

Tell me who I like

Tell me how I rate

Tell me you are right

Tell me how I am

Tell me how I look

Tell me all you can

Read me like a book

Then I’ll tell you something

Although I know you won’t agree

Only I know what I’m thinking

Because only I am me.

 

 

Leave

I’d rather be dead now,

Then breathing today,

Because we’re all going to die,

Anyway.

 

Everything we do in life,

Will fade away to nothing.

So why not get it over with,

And end all our suffering?

 

When we enter the world we are innocent,

We leave our life bitterly cursed.

But, if we’re not alive anymore,

How can it get any worse?

 

Everyone is born to die,

And will eventually cease to breathe.

But we don’t have to wait that long,

We can kill ourselves and leave.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What would you do?

You go into work with extreme bruising because you were beaten and raped, worse yet by a family member.

You are doing your absolute best to try to do your job, mind you working in a place where all you do is deal with people all day long who are asking all sorts of questions to try to pry out of you what happened to you and you are still trying to be polite, saying I am sorry I really don’t want to talk about it and they keep prying but you know you have to keep it together so you do everything that you can because you know you have to be nice, not get upset and not breakdown in front of the customer.

You barely make it through the day knowing that you are just so close to breaking and it’s not going to be good if and when you do. You make it out the door, and into your car and you just start bawling.

You just know that when you get home things are going to be bad again and that the next day your going to go into work with even more bruises then the day before and you know damn well rumors are already circulating about you, about what supposedly happened to you and who did it. You dread going home because you know what’s going to happen but you fear going into work the next day as well because you know that everyone is nosy and just wants to know what is going on so they can go tell someone else who will then go and keep telling. It’s a vicious cycle and it’s not fun to be a part of. You walk in and everyone stares at you and you feel so uncomfortable and still keep it together the best you can for the day and just shrug off the questions and keep yourself as busy as possible.

Then someone you know that really does care and is not looking to find out what is going on just to go tell everyone and spread it around reaches out to you so you confide in this person and the first thing you hear from them when you tell them what is happening and by who is “OMG if that were me I would fight back and scream.”

That bothered me on so many different levels.  One, because that is what anyone who hasn’t been through it would say. Two, because you are so sure of yourself that you would be able to do it and run or at least scream for help if nothing else. Three, because it is easy to say when it is not you that it’s happening too.

I always thought that I would be able to scream, yell, fight. I know martial arts and that was the reason I started taking the classes and had a friend teach me even more self defense so that I could fight back. Well it’s not that simple. I quit training when I tried to fight back and the assaults only got worse. I felt like a complete failure.

WHY?………

Because who takes classes to learn self defense and then can’t use it against their abuser / attacker?

I couldn’t and I always thought that I could, always said I would and never really understood how someone could not fight when faced with this situation until it was me.

So many things factored into why I could not fight back…..

One…. The abuse / assaults started happening to me when I was very young and I was not able to fight back as a young child.

Two…. My fight, flight, or freeze response kicked in almost right away. After you try to fight and it does not go as planned you just don’t try again.

Three…I began to freeze all the time. I mean how can someone who is supposed to love you and protect you from harm be the one who you most fear, the one who hurts you over and over and over again and because you were so young and couldn’t stop it then how do you stop it now?

Four…You don’t try to stop it because you feel like you are worthless and you deserve that which is being done to you.

So in response to my friend who said this to me I would just like you and anyone else who has this mindset about victims to take a step back, put yourself in their shoes and really think about what you say before you say it. You may not see the whole story, you don’t know how this person has been dealing with what they are going through, you may not know that it started when they were just 5 years old and that they could not fight back then and never really learned how to because no one came to their rescue when they tried to tell. You don’t know what that person is thinking, that they don’t see the point in fighting because no one ever tried to save them or help them so they feel it is not worth the fight. You don’t know when that person lost their voice, lost themselves and lost everything else that they once held dear.

I want everyone to know that I never spoke up, not until someone at school noticed the bruises one day, the bruises that I tried to keep covered because I blamed myself for what happened to me. I really didn’t even tell then, in fact I tried to make excuses for them, for what had happened and said it was an accident.

I am now 37 years old and two years ago I finally got the courage to finally stand up and say no more and went to the cops. Now two years later I am still in the biggest battle of my life and wondering why I even spoke up against my family as things just keep getting worse.

I can tell you that I am glad that I finally spoke up, it gave me my voice back as a child, a mother and as a woman. However I have once again lost my voice and am now trying to regain it with the help of my very wonderful support system who has stood by me every step of the way, through the many nights where I have wanted to just give up and end the excruciating pain that I feel, been with me through the tears but also through the many triumphs and through all the other things good and bad. I don’t know what I would do without these guys. I am truly blessed for all the wonderful people I have in my life and am happy to have them through the good and bad. I don’t think I would have made it this far if I was on my own.

So yes there are times when I look back at this and say god if only, if only I had said something sooner, blah blah blah.

You need to remember that it is okay to do things in your own time and when you feel you are ready and not before that because everything that goes along with it is a greater struggle that I was not ready for at all and that is the struggle that I am in right now. But I do see myself getting stronger everyday and will continue to keep getting stronger and I am determined to keep fighting and not let them bring me back down to where I was before.

I am a fighter……

I am a survivor……..

I can and will get through this and will come out stronger on the other side of it all once it is over and done with.

Again, for all you out there who want to say what you would do if this happened to you to a victim just please ask yourself if you would want to have that said to you if you were in that persons shoes……….

Just something to